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There is no easy way to tell this story i really wish was only fiction. Maybe it's because of my history and relationship with my parents that my fear of death doesn't exist. I am currently sitting in front of a closed California Science Center writing all of this. I don't plan on leaving until Im done and this might take a while. It's currently 6:30 so lets see how this goes. Anyways, on my walk here i constantly pondered the "what if i were to die right now?" question. I wouldn't consider my neighborhood safe as i have been jumped in the past by gang bangers and someone dies every here and there. But if i were to die today i would feel like i have not contributed enough to my believed job (or jorb) of making others smile, laugh and feel better at the end of the day to die happy or at least satisfied. I have two reasons for this, one is because there are people in my life who have been there for me and continue doing it even when they're least aware of it and i will always be there for those that need me. Second, i want to die riding a bicycle after I graduate from college. The day i graduate i want all my friends to be there because they're all the ones who keep me going. I don't care at all if my parents are "proud" of me when I graduate. I've gone through life with very little support from them, so fuck them both.

Now that im done rambling, time to get to the actual story that led myself to not wanting to move.

I come from a family with hidden secrets but also is dominated by fear. My father is gay and married my mother to hide his personal sexuality from his family. I was born as proof that he wasn't gay. My sister, shares the same exact story but sadly is shadowed by doubt she has yet to find out about. Around the same time my mother was impregnated with my sister, my father was diagnosed with HIV. That was back in 99 and 13 years have passed but yet no studies have been done to check whether or not she even she has the virus herself. Every night when i go to bed i fear the worst. She's too young to die, id rather trade my own. Continuing on, my mother is not sure herself whether or not she has the virus. How can you fear death when around you it is an existing possibility? Like i stated earlier, this was in 99, and the current year finds itself to be 2012. My parents got divorced in 2008. Lets place this shit into perspective, for nine years i was part of a "family" that considered it "happy" and "loving." why 9 years you ask? Because the same year my mom got pregnant, she caught my father cheating on her with a another man. They didn't separate so my sister and i could be raised by both parents and both be loved. Didn't they ever suspect that it would have been better to have come clean from the beginning? i consider myself a bastard son who only finds happiness in the friends i have and activities i do. I don't have to talk about the friends part again because this blog has constancy gone over that. Without them i would be nothing. No one to laugh along with and no one to make smile. Activities, they keep my mind off these thoughts. Whenever i ride my bike, there's only one thing on my mind, am i going to get there alive?

During the entire divorce there was only one person who would ask me "how are you feeling / taking all this?" and that was Gio. When i needed my parents the most, they were too busy fighting with each other and trying to make them look bad in front of me and slowly revealing all the secrets and lies that they have shared over the years. Do you think i want to wake up one morning and have my mom confess to me that my father has HIV and could die at almost any time on any day. I was a 17 year old who at a point in time was more preoccupied with trying to graduate school more than pay attention to the divorce that had not only torn our "family" to shreds, but fucking ripped my own insides to shreds. That was the day i finally decided that my parents don't actually love me. All i wanted was some one to be fucking happy and proud of me at the end of the day. That is why i search for acceptance of myself. Before i started college, my father confessed to me that he never actually believed that i was going to even finish high school, let alone graduate. I dont think I've never had a bigger slap to the face than that moment in time. It still haunts my mind everyday. I've always hoped at least my friends are proud of me.

The house. The house i live in has a lot of sentimental value to me because that is where all my struggles have occurred. All the dark moments in which my true colors have shown all rose from there. This year marked my tenth anniversary living there. The place where my mom confessed me my dad's secret, where my dad told me of his own under estimation of me and the place where social services almost took my sister and i away. This is also where i fell in love with Crunchbite and where my direct neighbors ignored me (i didn't fucking need them anyways). this is also the house where i was accused of stealing from one of my neighbors and the place where Gio's and I's friendship really kicked off after he taught me to take the metro one night after school. This is also the house that has seen two robberies and two different families and i have been the only constant. </p>
<p>Friends have come and gone but the two who i have had since I've lived in the neighborhood have always been the same: Ed and Irving. (Chris doesn't count since he lives with Ed.) I've known them both since 6th grade which translates into 8 years in September. I met Ed in the homeroom of 6th grade and Irving lived across the street from him at that point in time. The four of us all continue being extremely good friends. They all bought PS3s and were the only reason I even bought one myself haha. Back to the house and neighborhood, beyond the few block radius lives America and Gio. I don't know where Id be without either. I love these two. I don't want to leave. The proximity of all of us has brought us together as great friends. Moving farther away feels like I'll lose them all. They all make me laugh and smile like not many can. Well this is all for now and I will update it when i get home later. It is currently 8:40 and very windy to say the least.

Build Me Up A Mother Fucking Buttercup

It's funny how somethings have so much sentimental value, but can change by the perception of a person. The material object I talk about is my bicycle. Two years ago, the idea of carrying, riding and investing so much time and love into a bicycle would have never crossed my mind. Today, I find myself so immersed within the bicycle culture that it has become essentially difficult to picture myself outside of it. I ride around in a green Peugeot road bike, use a messenger bag and always make sure I leave my house with my lock and helmet in tow. I find pride in walking up and down stairs with my bike on my back and just ignore all the stares people give me while blasting my iPod a full volume. I have a bicycle playlist that is comprised of the most adrenaline pumping songs in my entire collection. As great as it is to ride a bike, everyone treats it like I've got mental problems. "Aren't you scared to ride in the street with cars?" "No." "Are you sure, because it's really dangerous." I know the risks I place on my life to ride around but I leave that to sit in the back of my mind. The only way I'm going to stop riding is if I get a leg amputated. But the reason I'm writing this is because I miss my bike. Ever since I was hit by a car back in April I have not ridden one single bicycle. My rear wheel is going to be completed soon but I'm hoping sooner rather than later because the streets are calling my name...and they're pronouncing it wrong!

Seeing a friend deal with pain also brings pain to those who are close. A break-up is no easy cure but it is also not impossible. There is nothing that is more important than those who surround a friend in their time of need. I was fortunate of having some of the coolest, badass and hilarious friends at my own side and I know my friend will too. Laughter is a much stronger cure than people. Just ask Smackie the Frog. If you read this, just know we are all here for you.






I love going to concerts and seeing awesome metal bands tear it up (like DevilDriver, who are the best). Well  I have an ongoing 7 year wait to see Norma Jean perform live. I'm going to cross my fingers that 2013 will finally be the year that I get to see them. The same also goes for Mastodon. Been listening to them for seven years strong and don't plan on stopping anytime soon.

Yesterday was the start of a new Mexican soccer season. As usual, my best friend Gio and I are playing Liga Fantastica (Fantasy Soccer) on mediotiempo.com as we have been for years. Gio has never beaten me so I plan on continuing this streak. Anyways, yesterday saw Jaguares vs Tigres and the game was depressing to say the least. Tigres played well and won 4-0 but Jaguares just didn't exist. They couldn't defend, attack or shoot. Pretty embarrassing to watch. Tijuana vs Puebla saw Tijuana win by a more narrow 2-0 but with comfortable play. Today has two games that seem to be interesting: Monterrey vs America and Morelia vs Cruz Azul. I'm hoping both America and Morelia lose. The games were too close to bet on in Liga Fantastica so I only got Pavone from Cruz Azul. We'll see what the final result is.

Average

Being myself has its positives, negatives and purgatories. I attempt to be as likable as a person as I can within the boundaries of who I am. I wear a smile on my face everyday because that is exactly what makes me well...me. I have a tendency to make people laugh as it's just part of who I am. Some days I have my hair all down, others in a pony tail and when not taking myself seriously, in a bun. I wear black all day everyday. 3/4ths of my shirts are not family friendly. I drink water out of a fossett and love to eat peanut butter. If I could, I would have sleeve tattoos on both arms and wear my pentagram Arch Enemy shirt that reads "Pure Fucking Metal" on the back. But at the same time, I'm a family person, or at least I attempt to be. I hang out with my mom. I try to only wear my more gruesome clothing when going to school and to concerts. I get along really well with other people's parents. I respect others' religion and have a calendar with kittens on it. On the purgatory level, friends are some of the worst and easiest to find, let alone to keep. But my best friends are the most random set of awesome people I've ever known in my life and I plan on keeping every single one until they day I die. Relationships...haha what is there to say but I'm too metal for others I guess. They don't like black and they don't like long hair, well fucking sucks to be you huh. I'll keep looking, someone has to exist. (back to friends/other people) People either like me or they don't. I don't conform to anything and don't dress to please anyone. I don't expect people to find my manner of dress acceptable anyways. My influences come from various phases both past and present. Cargo pants from my youth. Black clothes from metal. Bright clothes from my love of the color green. Soccer jerseys. A messanger bag from cycling as well as rolling up the right side of my pants. If there is one thing I'm not asking for, it's acceptance. I don't want to be another cog in the machine that is society. I just want to people to understand one thing, I'm Jaziel, I listen to fucking heavy metal and if my shirt offends you, well that's your problems. I'm not average and I never plan on being it. Have a nice day.

Europe: A League of It's Own

I currently find myself in the Czech Republic. Prague to be exact. Beautiful city. Anyways, I feel like I'm losing my mind out here in Europe. My uncle and I are here for a total of 10 days, it's been 6 already, and it appears we're more of a sight seeing bus, than actual tourists. As much as the sights are beautiful and the difference of the city feeling between the United States and all of Europe, I'm slowly beginning to dislike this trip. My uncle makes us travel 20 minutes to get off the train, take like 3 pictures and off we go to our next destination. We're not even really enjoying these places at all. Or at least I'm not.

The beautiful architecture of Budapest. Can I live here?

Secondly, my uncle has us going in circles and getting lost constantly. It was fun and hilarious the first two days, but now I'm seriously beginning to get frustrated. The monuments and historical buildings are all essentially lined up with the parliament and Holocaust memorial being like two blocks off the path in separate directions (so no reason why all the main tourist attractions can't be seen in a single day). In what should have taken us 6 hours maximum, took us three days because we zigzagged the whole thing and ping ponged off of all of the historical locations. The only exceptions to the line of monuments is the painted Berlin wall on the south east side of the city and the Olympic stadium on the northwestern part of the city. One would think that you would save the wall and Olympic stadium for a single day right?, nope. On Saturday morning we went to the Berlin wall and

Checkpoint Charlie (middle of the city), bused it to the painted Berlin wall and walked the whole thing (south east/ 2 mile walk give or take)

and then trained it to the Olympic stadium (north west).

 On Sunday, we decided it was going to be a chill day (since it would be our last in Berlin and going to fly that night to Budapest) and would only visit the Holocaust memorial and some random church in the south side of the city that had been bombed during the war. Well it turned it turned out that the memorial was about 3 blocks from Checkpoint Charlie.

In Budapest and Vienna, we were taking subway trips from one place to the next (getting off on every stop) even though they were all roughly five to ten minutes from each other.

I don't know, but at the end of the day, I feel like I'm stressing myself out because this trip is not going as my own mind had it planned. I'm probably just going to sit back and let this trip plan out its own fate. If the two pictures and moving on continues, well then so be it. I'm still enjoying the sights so why complain.

It's a castle...seriously.

I'm just using this to set my mind free. Maybe this was all an effect from sitting in a train cart at 2 in the morning, filled in a little slot where five other people slept and using my iPod listening to The Number Twelve Looks Like You and Panda. Until next time, have a good day everyone. I should sleep now, it's almost 2:30 am.

"I Hate Myself"

So this break has been anything but extremely exciting so far. For the most part it has been boring with sparks of awesomeness. I've hung out with America, Gio, Ed and the Bike Collective, but I've spent most of my days inside my house kinda just being there and playing video games. So far I've beaten Kingdom Hearts II, clocked in crazy hours into Mario Kart 64 and played a lot of Rayman Origins (I cannot stress how amazing that game is).

On the more upside, I went to Amoeba on Saturday with America and bought the new Huntress album (what a pain to find...) while America bought the Worlds Torn Asunder album by Warbringer. I do have to admit that she hated me while we were walking out of the place hahaha.

On Monday I saw Men in Black 3 with Kevin, Gio and Luis. I have to say that I'm really surprised by how that movie came out. It was better than all of my expectations.

So unintentionally, America and I have created a food scale that goes: bad, ok, good, great, I hate myself. (The "I hate myself" is reserved for the best of meals).

My break is still young and I'm hoping there are many more crazy awesome moments, but until then, here I sit listening to early Def Leppard. Good night everyone.

Save Yourself, Don't Wait On Me

My life flashed before my eyes this weekend. On Friday I was hit by a car while driving my bike and was less than six inches from crashing directly into the back of a parked tow truck and essentially breaking all my ribs. I have no idea if I'm in denial or anything, but I laughed it all off the second it happened. I've never felt scared or traumatized since it happened. On the contrary, I've missed no being able to ride my bike. Like I would on a daily basis.

Im curious to know what exactly is going on in my mind. Am I still in shock and haven't realized that I just starred death in the face and nonchalantly walked away? That if I were to have been hit a second later I'd be in a hospital bed on a respirator with possibly a punctured lung. If I were to have died, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to tell my friends how much I love them all and how much of an impact they've all had on me over the years. Most importantly, I would have died with a messy room.

But on the brightside of the spectrum, I would have had an honorable death. I was listening to heavy metal, riding my green bike and was doing well in college (plus a super coach in FIFA 12). I couldn't have really asked for more from anyone (well maybe if I had a rubber duck on my bike or something).

I don't know but I really need to take a day or two and to just sit and think and reflect what is currently in my surroundings. I've always taken everything, including friends and family, for granted. I have had the opportunity to do things others have never done in their lives (and some will never), yet I still bitch about shit all the time. Thinking about this kind of stuff is depressing but makes helps you grow a little stronger in life.

Starting From Scratch

A day turns into a week which turns into a month. I watch these invented hours fly by and I continue to sit alone. Half of the people I hang out with are all in relationships and I do admit it does become a bit awkward at times. I sit there admire others. Whether their relationship is on the rocks or at its peak, is not what's in question. The point is that they still share something at the end of the day. A smile, sometimes large and other times small, but of each other.

As I sit in my bed, under my comfy covers, I resonate with life six years ago. My best friend, Gio, and I were both single back then and we both are now. (Don't get the wrong idea here people.) I told Gio the other day that "it's just like the old days. Just you and me buddy." People (including myself) have a tendency to say that they live without certain obligations because they're not in a relationship, but I do miss that at random times. Receiving a text and smiling the second you saw who it was or even just be like "I'm not in the mood to talk to you right now" and putting it off until later.

Maybe I need to start from scratch and change who I am. But maybe (more like absolutely) not. I wear black band shirts everyday because (besides the fact that they look fucking awesome) I want people to know who I really am. I've already been in a relationship where a girl has disliked (well more like hated) both my taste in music and my form of dress and tried to change me (only to be unsuccessful). She only wore Abercrombie and Hollister and later cheated on me with a cholo (I'm not lying about this stuff. Ridiculous shit right). I know that opposites attract but I'm fucking tired of my opposites, they always find a flaw in me. I accept theirs but they don't accept mine (which is why they're probably my opposites right?). But anyways, it's Sunday night and I have other things on my mind than this. Piece out yo, I'm hungry and want some food for my stomach.