2007 was a life defining moment for me. Two specific things happened that I believe have been essential in the development of the Jazz everyone sees today both physically and mentally. The first would be my ex Diana (who was my gf back then) who did numerous things to me. She, in simple terms (and I mean VERY simple terms), took me for granted and caused me much pain and heartache. Until this day I still don't understand why she cheated on me 3 times and almost cheated another 3 times in that same period. Those events taught me that as a person, I'm too nice. I forgave her the first 2 times and on the third she broke up with me for the third guy she cheated on while with me. They broke up after a month and she came to me asking for forgiveness one last time and wanting me back. Thankfully by then, for me, enough was enough and I caught all ties with her. She only listened to hip-hop and reggaeton, only wore Abercrombie and Hollister and the list keeps going. In zero ways the girl I would probably date ever again. I learned my lesson. To this day, I still feel like I have hatred towards her inside me, but at the same time, I was 14 and she was 13. People make mistakes and your childhood and teenage years are a learning process. I think that it is exactly events like this that have twisted and sickened my mind to the dark void that it appears to be today. Am I more mature than most people my age and those a few years older than me? Probably. Do I think some of the darkest thoughts that many people should never even think of in their entire life? Without a doubt. But am I evil? Fucking yes I am.
Defining moment two was the release of DevilDriver's
The Last Kind Words and listening to "Not All Who Wander Are Lost." Why this song of all? Because of non other than the line "All of your hopes and dreams never meant shit." That one line changed my complete outlook and philosophy of life. I grew up through life hating my personal appearance. I was a fat kid who everyone made fun of. I've spent the past 10 years of my life weighing 200 pounds (since 4th grade to be exact). My dad always told me I was wasting my time learning how to play instruments and said I was wasting his time by not being a straight A student in school. The interesting thing about the set of lyrics is that it made me realize I spent to much time considering the opinions of others and didn't live happily myself. Setting no dreams or aspirations meant that there was no way to fail but still leaves the sky as the limit of whatever I chose to do. It's turned into my life motto and I kindly give myself reminders on an almost daily basis of it. I may not have any dreams, but I don't see myself as lost either. I'm not currently happy with life. My dad hates my family with an indescribable rage. Moving houses is just a giant mess. I don't even want to have hopes to where ever we end up moving too. The divorce itself seems like it never ended in the first place.
Since school started again, I continued the tradition I've had for the past 11 years, playing Deftones' "Back in School." I heard this song while in Mexico and it opened my eyes to the Deftones. Well I guess that is all for not.
Got my bullet belt. It's awesome and a pain to put on and take off haha. Well blog, until next time.
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